


The Purpose

by InfiniteFlame



Category: The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types, The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Anxiety, Caretaking, Depression, Finding Purpose, Help, Love, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, getting better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-09-16 11:55:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16953549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteFlame/pseuds/InfiniteFlame
Summary: He'd been through every therapist and psychiatrist out there, but none of them could ever help. After a suicide attempt gone wrong, Newt struggles to cope with the aftermath of the incident. His 'rescuer' wants him to be happy, but Newt has never been one to agree to help. Through care and friendship, Thomas wants to help Newt find his purpose, but the question remains, will Newt crumble under pressure?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Back for more. This is just a test run to see if I should continue writing the whole story. Let me know.

August 15th, 2018

 

“Take my hand, please,” he said as the rain poured down. 

“No, not this time.” 

“Please, I’m trying to tell you something.” He paused and took a breath. “Just stop for a second. I’m trying to tell you that I lo-...” 

 

September 3rd, 2017 

 

Newt looked at his watch. 8:32. By now, night had swept in and a blanket of darkness had been laid across the city. The warm August weather had almost faded away and cool September nights had come in their place. Newt zipped up his hoodie as far as it could go and put his hands in his pockets to keep them warm. The wind blew across his tear streaked face with little mercy. The air made his wet cheeks feel frozen as he walked down the sidewalk to his destination. 

He pulled up his hood to counter some of the wind before turning the final corner and putting his hands back in his pockets. As the bridge came into view, his pace quickened, ready to get it over with. He approached the railing and put his hands on the cold metal, suddenly feeling immune to the cold. The anticipation of what was about to happen warmed his blood. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed his watch read 8:37. “Let’s get this over with you bloody coward,” he muttered under his breath.

He took a deep breath and lifted his left leg to the railing. He repeated the same motion with his right leg all while the voice inside his head spat hate into his thoughts. Worthless, useless, coward. His movements were slow and calculated. In his mind, he felt ready, but his limbs weren’t exactly on the same page.

He was sitting on the railing now looking down at the ground below. Over 20 feet of air separated him from the mud, dirt, and rocks on the surface below. “No more pain. No more.” Behind him, cars drove by every minute or so, ignoring him completely. Here was a boy, sitting on the railing of the bridge and no one cared enough to stop. Typical.

Carefully, he dropped his feet down onto the narrow concrete edge of the overpass. His hands gripped the cylindrical guard rail tighter than he'd ever grabbed anything before. He felt the wind at his back trying to push him over the edge, but it wasn't time yet. He resisted it. There was still a few more minutes.

A few more tears fell from each of his brown eyes. Another car drove by. The wind kept blowing. In the distance, the lights of the city shined bright enough to cover all the stars in the sky. It was funny, the city was so full of life while he felt completely lifeless. He looked at his watch once again. 8:44. The voice in his head spoke. Time’s up. 

He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He felt a chill and shivered. “Happy Birthday, Newt,” he muttered under his breath as the wind took him away. 

 

———

 

When he opened his eyes next, everything was dark. Was this Hell? Surely he didn’t end up in the good place, so he had to be rotting in Hell, right? He felt dazed as he turned his head slightly to figure out his surroundings. His body felt paralyzed and his mind felt numb. As time passed his vision cleared and his surroundings came into focus. He saw the night sky first, a dark, black abyss with the faint light of the city lining the edges of his vision. Then he saw an overpass that seemed to float above him. He laid there in confusion before the realization had hit him. He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth in frustration over his current state. 

This couldn’t be happening, he thought. He wasn’t in Hell, he was still alive on Earth, though Hell on Earth seemed to fit his situation. This was his own personal Hell in which he had failed a suicide attempt. 

He raised his arm to check his watch. He felt weak and frail. The glass face was now cracked across the middle, but still in working condition. Broken on the outside, just like him it seemed. It read 9:34. He thew his head back on the ground in a mix of anger and sadness. The word failure echoed in his mind every few seconds. 

With all the strength he could muster, he propped himself up with his elbows in the dirt. For the first time, he got a good look at his still body. His hoodie was splattered with mud and his jeans were ripped and stained. His body seemed ok for the most part, except for one leg which was visibly broken. 

He sat up as best as he could, wincing in pain. He dragged himself backwards until his back fell flush against one of the bridge’s wide support beams. Not knowing what else to do, he sat back against the concrete and sobbed. He sobbed out of anger, not sadness. 

“Only someone as fucked up…as me could fuck up a bloody…suicide attempt,” he said in between breaths. He opened his eyes and stared out into the darkness. Above him, he heard the cars continue to whoosh by, causing small amounts of dirt to fall into his hair. His hands travelled back and forth across the dirt, skating over jagged rocks. He picked up one of the bigger rocks in his hand and examined it. It resembled an arrowhead that ended in a sharp point. His mind knew how it could be used but his body could barely move. 

Eventually, his mind won out. He gripped the sharp rock in his hand while rolling his sleeves up to his elbows. He looked at his pale skin and knew what had to be done.

He added pressure as his senses dulled and life began to drain from his body. His eyelids drooped as he switched arms and repeated his motions until he had no strength left to move. 

“No more,” he whispered. “No more pain.” The noise from the city went quiet. The vibrations from the cars stilled. He felt the weight of the world on his eyelids as they became heavier and heavier. The last thing he remembered before closing his eyes was a light. 

 

September 6th, 2017

 

There was a steady beeping that carried through the air in the room when Newt came back to consciousness. He didn’t have to open his eyes to realize his surroundings were bright. Slowly, he began to lift his eyelids and let the light pour in. A white, dropped ceiling came into focus once his eyes opened as far as they could. He furrowed his brow in confusion. Where am I, he thought. 

He turned his head to the side, trying to gauge the room and fill in pieces to the puzzle that was his location. Quickly, those pieces fell into place as he noticed the objects near him. A heart monitor and an IV pump were set up to his left. With his eyes, Newt followed the tube from the machine. It cascaded over the white railing of the bed, running like a river over his sheets and ending in a needle that was inserted into a vein on the inside of his forearm. 

Under the IV, his eyes latched onto the bandages running up and down his entire forearm. They were no longer white. Instead, they were stained in light red that ran down the length of his arm. His right arm looked the same except for the lack of IV. 

He wanted to sit up, but he doubted he would be able to prop himself up with his arms in the state that they were. Nevertheless, he tried to move his arms to lift his body into an upright position. He barely moved an inch before giving up and falling back down on the bed. Not only were his arms weak, but when he moved, he felt heavy medication weighing him down, his head heavy. Now that he thought about it, he couldn’t feel most of his body. For now, he was basically glued to the bed. 

He turned his head back and forth on his pillow looking for a help button of some sort to call a nurse. Groggily, he turned his head to the right. His face twisted into confusion at the sight. For a second he thought he might've been hallucinating, though, when he squeezed his eyes shut and reopened them again, nothing had changed. In a chair about five feet away, there was a sleeping boy. Newt had no idea how he didn't notice the boy’s steady breathing before now. His chest rose and fell with each breath that came out of his slightly parted lips. 

Newt wanted to speak to the stranger, but his throat felt dry and scratchy. “H-hey,” he said. His voice came out squeaky, but he wanted to get the boy’s attention so he tried again slightly louder. “H-hey. Wake u-up.”

Slowly, the boy’s eyelids opened in confusion. When his gaze fell upon Newt, his eyes opened wide in...well, Newt couldn’t tell what the boy was feeling in that moment. 

“Oh my god, you’re awake!” He said too loud for someone just coming out of a daze. “I’ll go grab a nurse for you.”

Before Newt could open his mouth to speak, the boy was out of the chair, almost tripping as he ran out of the room, his hoodie flowing behind him like a cape. It couldn’t have been more than thirty seconds before the boy reappeared in the doorway with a curious look on his face. 

“You’ve been asleep for...let’s see, um, this is the third day,” he said standing in the door frame. “Two whole days you were out.” 

Two days, he thought. Two days had passed since his attempt. Too many questions were running though his mind right now to think about his attempt. Why was he alive? How did he get here? Who was this boy?

“W-who are you?” He managed to get out. 

From the door he heard a voice, but it wasn’t male. “I told you it was ok to stay, but only if you stayed out of the way, please.”

“Oh yeah, sorry,” the boy responded. 

“Good afternoon Newt,” the female said while coming toward him. “Let’s get you sat up, huh?”

A few seconds later he heard a mechanical whirring and felt his upper body rise with the bed. For the first time, he noticed his entire surroundings. The woman was at his bedside and the boy was back in his chair. He couldn’t lie, it felt quite nice to be sat upright. 

“You gave us quite a scare Newt,” she said. “You’re lucky that you were brought in when you were or otherwise we might’ve lost you.”

That was the point, he thought. “Would I be able to g-get some water?”

“Of course,” she replied. A few seconds later she was back with a cup of the cold liquid. 

Slowly, he lifted his arm without the IV and grabbed the cup. By now, enough time had passed and he was able to hold the cup on his own. He drank the water quickly, soothing his throat. 

“...to go,” the nurse said to the boy. “I have to talk to Newt about private matters.” 

“Ok, but I’m gonna come back when you’re done,” he responded before heading out the door, shutting it as he passed. 

Who the hell was he, Newt thought. For now he brushed away the question knowing the nurse was going to start asking him about his suicide attempt any second now. 

“Newt,” she started. “I know you’ve just woken up, but I do need to let you know a psychiatrist has been called for your care. It was no accident you ended up here and the psychiatrist is going to make sure you don’t end up here again.”

Newt groaned in annoyance. He’d seen his fair share of therapists growing up and none of them ever changed the way he thought. This one would not be any different. “You’re not going to let me leave unless I talk to them are you?” 

“It’s hospital policy to keep any suicide survivors under surveillance after waking up until we can ensure they are no longer a threat to themselves once released.”

“Brilliant.”

When he looked at her, she looked sad. Pity spread over her features. Newt hated pity. 

“Do you mind if I go over your injuries while I’m here?” She asked. Newt nodded. “Well I’m sure by now you’ve noticed both your arms are bandaged. Your cuts ran down both forearms if you remember. You lost a lot of blood, but fortunately a donor was able to supply you with what you needed. Now your arms should fully heal within two weeks and the stitches can come out in one. We also noticed a slight bit of trauma to the back of your head. It’s nothing serious and should be better in a few days. Now as far as your leg...your right leg is in quite rough shape. When you were brought in, the bone was shattered in two different places. It will heal, but it will no doubt be permanently weaker than it was before.”

Newt choked up at her words. Not only did he fail, but he know had injuries that he’d have to live with for the time being before he could figure out his next steps. “I-is that it?”

She nodded her head yes. “One more thing. In your record you have no emergency contact information. Is there any immediate family—”

“No,” he shouted louder than he meant to. “There’s no one to call.” 

“All right,” she said. “I’ll be right back with fresh bandages to switch out your old ones.”

He nodded as she walked toward the door, opened it, and left. Only a few seconds later, the boy from before was standing in the threshold again. “So, your name is Newt?”

Newt raised an eyebrow at the boy. “Yeah? And are you going to tell me who you are?”

“Oh sorry, duh. My name is Thomas.” 

“Well, Thomas, do you mind telling me how you got involved in my situation or why you’re still here?”

Suddenly, his face turned tense, almost as if he was nervous about what he was going to say next. “I, uh, found you...under the bridge. And I’m still here cause I wanted to make sure you were ok.”

“Oh,” Newt said feeling a little guilty for snapping at him before. “No one was supposed to find me. You weren’t meant to come across me. I’m sorry you were involved.”

Thomas took a few more steps toward Newt and put his hands in his hoodie pockets. “Don’t be. I know you didn’t want to be found, but I’m glad I did find you. I know it’s not what you wanted, but when I found you in the state that you were in, I couldn’t give you what you wanted.”

“I don’t blame you. I’m just mad at myself for not getting the job done before you showed up.” Inside he felt like a failure again. It didn’t take long for his depressive thoughts to come back. 

Thomas stood there, unsure about a response. This was an entirely new situation for him. He felt like he wasn't wanted, but he couldn't bring himself to leave.

“Look,” Newt said. “You’ve seen that I’m ok so you don’t have to stay any longer. You don’t have to pretend to care for my benefit anymore. You can go home now.”

Thomas looked confused. “Huh? I’m not pretending. I actually do care if you’re ok.”

“But you don’t know me,” Newt replied with a tone of questioning in his voice.

“No, but you’re still a person. Just because I don’t know you doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to care.”

Care had been one thing that always lacked in Newt’s past. He’d been on his own for so long now that he’d forgotten what human compassion looked like. 

“It doesn’t matter I guess,” Newt said. “Pretending, not pretending. I’m ok so you can go.” 

Thomas smiled. “You know, I’m usually pretty good at reading people and right now, I’m getting the feeling that under your distant exterior, there’s a guy inside who just needs a friend.”

“I doubt it.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow Newt.”

Before Newt could tell him not to bother ever coming back, Thomas was gone, leaving Newt in his room alone. Shortly after that, the nurse came back and changed his bandages. All the while, he thought about Thomas and why the boy was so interested in him. Why would he be so concerned about a boy who tried to kill himself and was fucked up in so many more ways than one? Newt couldn’t wrap his head around it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new beginning?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello? Anyone still there? So sorry, yes I know it’s been over 2 months and I’m horrible. Anyway, hope the wait was worth it.

September 7th, 2017 

The next day, Newt woke up in unpleasant pain. His forearms ached and a dull pain radiated throughout his leg. Immediately, he pressed his help button to call the nurse. Only a moment later, the same nurse from the day before came walking through the door. 

“What can I help you with Newt?” She asked at his bedside. “How are you feeling today?”

He groaned in pain. “My body...everything hurts.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “We lowered the dosage of pain medication to try and ease you off of it. I can give you a slight bit more, but that’s it.”

He nodded. “Please.” 

For the first time since he’d woken up, he’d felt the consequences of his failed attempt weighing on him. Being depressed in the past, he was no stranger to emotional pain, but physical pain had been something he wasn’t use to. 

“So while I’m here,” she said. “I just wanted to let you know that the psychologist will be coming in sometime this afternoon to speak with you.”

Newt sighed. “Ok,” he said defeated. He knew there was no point in arguing it because no matter what he did, they wouldn’t let him leave until it happened. 

“Just call if you need anything else,” she said before leaving the room. 

Alone. Newt picked up a remote nearby and turned on the wall mounted TV in front of him. He flicked through the channels mindlessly as he thought about what he was going to do once he left the hospital. The thought of leaving saddened him. He truly didn’t know how to move forward from this. 

For a few hours, he watched random shows spanning from news to cartoon. Time moved in waves. An hour feeling like minutes and minutes feeling like hours. At some point it had started raining causing the room to darken. 

Behind him, light rain tapped on the glass window panes. It was a soothing sound during such a painful time. Though the pleasant noise didn’t last long when he started to notice the beeping from the medical machines instead, drowning out the weather. Not long after, a knock interrupted both noises. 

Newt’s attention snapped to the doorway where his gaze fell upon a middle aged woman he hadn’t recognized. She was wearing a white coat that closely mimicked her pulled back silver hair. 

“Hello Newt,” she said softly. “I’m Dr. Paige. I’ve been called to help you in your mental recovery.”

He’d heard that before. “So you’re going to be my therapist?”

She nodded and walked closer. “Yes Newt. I’m here to help you work through the recent events.”

She sat down in the chair Thomas sat in yesterday. Thomas, he thought. He hadn't even remembered his existence until now. The boy had said would be coming by some time today. Oh well, Newt thought. I knew he didn’t really care about me. 

“So,” she started. “I’m not going to tiptoe around anything. Let’s start with this. Can you tell me why you felt the need to end your life?”

Newt shrugged his shoulders. “I was, well, am depressed and I thought it would solve my problems I guess.”

“How long would consider yourself to have been depressed Newt?”

Newt noticed how blunt she was with her questions. She didn’t hesitate to come at him with full force. It was almost scary.

“Um...probably since my mom died when I was ten. After that it was just...”

Thinking about his childhood made him ache inside. He didn’t like thinking about it because all it did was make his heart ache. 

“Go on,” she said. “You can tell me.”

“Does it really matter? I don’t really want to talk about my past anymore. I’ve done this before. I’ve been to the therapists and psychs and each time it always ends in the same result. A prescription for anti-depressants and no real progress. Yes I’m depressed and I have low self esteem and I lack confidence, but that’s just me. I just don’t see it changing.”

Dr. Paige leaned in closer. “People can develop Newt. But you’re right. It doesn’t matter.”

Newt eyebrows furrowed in a bit of shock and confusion. “Wait, what?” No therapist had ever agreed with him about it. 

“The only thing that matters is your mental health,” she said. “You know the reason and I can assume how you’re affected. I’ve been in this profession for more years than you would believe. By now I’ve realized that each person is different and you can’t treat each case the same way. My goal isn’t to make you uncomfortable talking about your past. My goal is to give your life a brighter outlook. There’s enough death in the world already. It’s my job to make sure people aren’t trying to add themselves to the count.”

The expression on her face was distant, but Newt had a feeling she cared. For the first time in his life, Newt thought a therapist wasn’t so bad. 

“I don’t know what to say,” Newt responded. The room felt smaller now like the walls had closed in, pushing him closer to Dr. Paige.

She took the glasses off her face and held them in her hand, pointing them toward him. “Just tell me one thing. If you were able to leave this hospital right now, would you try again?”

The question bounced around in Newt’s head like a ball in a pinball machine. The voice in his head screamed yes, but somewhere else in his mind he felt the whisper of the opposite. 

“I don’t know,” he said. “I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen. Everything is confusing to me now.” 

She put the glasses back on her face. “Alright. Thank you for being honest.”

Without another word, she got up from her chair and put on her jacket. 

Newt was confused. “That’s it? No more questions?”

“No more questions, for now,” she repeated. “I just wanted to meet you to see how you were holding up. I’ll let the doctor know that once your physical injuries are healed, you have my approval to leave the hospital.”

“But I said I didn’t know if I would hurt myself again. How can you trust me?”

“Like I said. I’ve been doing this for years. I’m very confident that you don’t want to make another attempt. It was nice meeting you Newt. I’ll be in touch.”

With a small nod of her head, she was gone. Newt sat there, dumbfounded. She placed her trust in him even when he wasn’t sure he could trust himself. The feeling shook him as it was not something he was used to. The room expanded again and a feeling of emptiness flowed into the room like a toxic gas.

Still in a slight bit of pain, he felt tired and thought a nap wouldn’t hurt. The rain continued to tap lightly on the window behind him as he drifted off to sleep. 

 

———

 

When he woke up next, he felt a little better. He didn't know how long he had been sleeping, but he no longer heard the rain from earlier. The only noise in the room continued to be the heart monitor at his bedside. If there was one thing he was looking forward to, it was the end of the beeping...and getting up out of bed for that matter. 

He pulled the blanket off his body when he realized he hadn’t really thought about his leg since he’d found out it was shattered. He hadn’t felt it before because of the medicine, but seeing the cast run down his leg and wrap around his foot brought the feeling back to him. He ran his fingers up and down the rough, bumpy plaster. All the while, he thought about his first attempt and how the wind took him over the edge only a few nights ago. 

Every time he thought about that night, he got more and more conflicted inside. On the one hand, he had made an attempt for a reason, but on the other, a small part of him thought maybe the reason he lived was a sign that he wasn’t supposed to die yet. Although whenever that side of his mind tried to speak up, the poisonous, dark side overpowered it and suppressed it once again. It’s not like he wanted to feel this way, but a consistently traumatic adolescence hadn’t left him time to get better. 

A knock on his door snapped him out of his deep thoughts. By now, the sun was setting and his room was lacking the daylight provided from the windows earlier that day. Most of the light was artificial that poured in from the hallway and through the doorway in which a figure was currently standing. 

“Can I turn this on or will you attack me if it’s too bright in here?”

Although it wasn’t a familiar voice, it was most certainly recognizable. Thomas had, for some reason, kept his word. 

“You can turn it on I guess,” Newt responded. He narrowed his eyes preparing for the sudden intensity in light which would flood his eyes at any second. 

With a dramatic flick, Thomas turned on the light switch. He pulled his hood off of his gelled over brown hair before lifting a paper bag. “I brought you food. It’s just McDonalds though. I hope I didn’t disappoint you.”

“I’m not really hungry right now. Sorry I did disappoint you.”

Curiously, Thomas laughed. “Oh Newt.”

“Oh Thomas?” Newt said.

They hadn’t spoken to each other for five minutes in the brief time they’d known each other. Newt couldn’t help but find it odd that Thomas was here talking to him, like they were old friends or something.

“Thomas,” he said. “I was just wondering, and I’m not really trying to be rude, but why are you here?”

Thomas sat down in the chair next to the bed and set the McDonalds bag down on the ground next to him before pulling out a Big Mac box. “Would you believe me if I said I didn’t know? I just have a weird feeling that’s making me want to be here. Unexplainable really.”

Leaning back in his chair, he kicked his feet up so they were resting on the edge of Newt’s bed. Newt’s body tensed at the sudden space invasion. He was ok with Thomas sitting next to him, but with his shoes just a foot away, his level of comfort dropped. He looked around the room for any sort of distraction, but there was nothing. For now, he would just have to try to ignore the fact. 

He looked at Thomas just as he took a bite out his Big Mac with obvious happiness spread over his features. 

“Enjoying yourself there mate? Didn’t take you long to dig into the food you supposedly got for me.” Talking helped take his mind off the vulnerability he felt from Thomas being closer than he liked.

This time, Thomas snickered. “Mate. Ha. British people are so funny. And for your information, I said I got you something. I never said I didn’t get anything for myself with it. That would be just stupid.” Thomas paused for a second to take another bite and then continued again after. “So here’s a good question. Why do you have an accent in the first place?”

“Because people from foreign places typically speak different than those from America?”

“Wow,” Thomas said smiling. “Really, great answer.”

“Well dumb ass questions require dumb ass answers,” he replied without thinking.

Thomas’s smile faded slightly at the comment. His reaction made Newt regret the sarcastic remark. 

“Sorry, that was rude,” he said instead. “I grew up in England and then moved here when I was ten,” he said.

“That’s so cool!” Thomas said as if he was totally unaffected by the insult. “I’ve always wanted to visit London honestly. Most people prefer a tropical vacation, but I prefer the historical value too.”

For a moment, Newt stayed silent. He looked around the room again to try and ease his nervous mind. He hardly knew what to say in this situation. Thomas seemed so interested in keeping a conversation, but Newt was genuinely confused as to why. Newt continued to stay silent hoping the situation would resolve itself. Luckily, it did. 

“So how old are you then? When’s your birthday?” Thomas asked. 

The beeping from the heart monitor increased in speed after the question. His birthday wasn’t something he really wanted to talk about considering it was days ago...when he attempted his own life. 

“Was it something I said?” Thomas had put down his food and looked at Newt with concerned eyes. “I didn’t mean to make you nervous.”

Newt took a few deep breaths and his heartbeat returned to normal. It seemed unfair to be hooked up to this machine in front of people. It was almost like he was taking a lie detector test and Thomas was the interrogator. “N-no, it’s ok. It’s September, but I don’t really want to talk about it.”

Thomas shook his head in understanding. Newt couldn’t tell what Thomas was thinking but he realized the boy must’ve put together enough information to keep his mouth shut. 

“Hey, that’s cool,” Thomas said. “I understand.” His cheeks flushed red with color before standing up. “Man it’s getting a little warm in here.”

Thomas unzipped his hoodie, threw it off his shoulders, and balled it up next to his chair. 

The first thing Newt noticed when Thomas’s arms became exposed was the large bandage on the inside of his elbow where his bicep met his forearm. Newt was confused for a moment until he realized that was a typical place to draw blood.

Thomas must’ve noticed Newt stare because what he said next confirmed his suspicions. “When I brought you in, I asked if there was anything I could do and they said you needed blood so...”

“You were my donor?”

“Um, I don’t think just me, but I gave what I could until they said I couldn’t give anymore.”

“Wow, I don’t know what to say. I feel like I owe you now.”

“Of course not. You don’t owe me shit. I volunteered, you didn’t steal it,” he said with a laugh. When Newt’s expression still looked guilty, Thomas continued to speak, more seriously this time. “Honestly Newt, I just wanted you to live.”

“But I didn’t want to live,” Newt said without thinking, again. 

Thomas frowned and his his eyebrows scrunched inward. He sank back into his chair somewhat defeated at the statement. For once, Thomas looked as sad as Newt usually felt inside. 

“Sorry Thomas,” Newt said. “But it’s true. You saved me and now I’m sure you feel some sort of responsibility for me, but you don’t have to. Tell me the truth and I promise I won’t get mad. Are you here just cause you feel bad for me?”

Thomas sighed and looked down at his hands. He was playing with his hands most likely thinking about what to say. It reminded Newt of an anxious tick that he use to have to help distract him in situations he felt uncomfortable in. For the first time, Newt saw an anxious spot in Thomas that he didn’t think existed.

“Yes, well no,” Thomas finally responded. “I did feel bad for you, but I don’t anymore cause I know that’s not what you want. Remember what I said yesterday about you? Well, I meant it and I think that if you just opened up a little bit and let me help, then I could show you there’s so many reasons to live for.” 

“Trust me, you don’t want to be my friend. I’d just bring you down.” Newt’s inner voice was flowing from his brain and out his mouth. He didn’t even try to stop the thoughts. That was easier sometimes.

“But I do, Newt. You’re intriguing and I want to get to know you cause I know there’s more to you than meets the eye. I know you’re going to say ‘you don’t know me’ or something like that and you’re right, I don’t, but...I want to.”

“I’m nothing special you know?”

Thomas smiled and gave him a look that said ‘really?’. “Is it so hard to believe that someone is interested in seeing who you really are Newt?”

He shrugged. “Yeah I guess so. It’s not common.” 

Without saying anything, Thomas got up from his chair and left the room in a hurry. Newt’s mouth dropped open in confusion. Thomas was becoming a handful and he’d only known him for 20 minutes. 

A few seconds later, Thomas bursted in the room shaking a pen in between his long fingers. His off white vans squeaked on the tile floor as he approached his chair. He knelt down and grabbed the McDonalds bag, oddly ripping off a piece of the paper. He looked like a child when he started scribbling something down on the ripped off piece of bag, starting over once when he must’ve made a mistake. 

“Here,” he said when finished. “Take my number. Text me, call me, something. Just contact me. I’m not forcing you into anything, but I just want you to think about it. Make a guy happy will ya?”

Newt looked at Thomas’s outstretched hand holding the note. Part of him wanted to say ‘no’ on the spot. Another part of him wanted take it just to appease Thomas and get rid of it later, but a small part of him wanted to genuinely take it and contact Thomas after all. He sighed. There was too many different versions of Newt in his own head now. He didn’t like it. 

“Please take it or I’ll have to hug you or something you’d hate and then you’ll yell at me and we don’t need any of that.”

With the faintest bit of smile, Newt reached out and grabbed the number from Thomas. The fact that Thomas was putting in effort was the only reason Newt felt the need to take it. 

“You know what, I’m going to do it anyway,” Thomas said. 

Newt shook his head no, but Thomas was already leaning in. “I swear to God Thomas. Don’t touch me, don’t touch me, don’t touch me. Ahhh, you bloody idiot.”

He felt his body tense up at the contact. No one else had touched him in, well, he didn’t know how long. 

“Newt, chill, I’m only messing around,” he said pulling back from the sort of half hug he was able to give before Newt pushed him away. 

“Is it too late to give this back?”

“Sorry, transfer is already done. It’s out of my hands. Literally and figuratively.” Thomas grabbed his hoodie from the floor and unballed it before slipping it back over his body. He then grabbed the rest of the McDonalds bag and set it down on the side of Newt’s bed. “This is still for you. It’s just fries cause I didn’t know what you liked and everyone likes fries.”

“Well...thanks, I guess.”

“Anytime,” Thomas said with a smile. “I have class tomorrow so I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop by, but just promise you’ll think about it?”

One of the partly positive Newt’s inside him took the mic this time and he found himself oddly saying “I promise”.

“Cool. I gotta go, but I’m glad we had this talk. See ya Newt.” 

When Newt looked up from the number, Thomas was already gone. For minutes, he sat there rubbing his thumb over the ink written on the brown paper. Wrapping his mind around everything that had just happened was proving to be difficult. With Thomas gone, the room felt empty again. The only noises in the room were the whirring of the lights above and the damn beeping that would never end. 

After a while, Newt’s eyes landed on the McDonalds bag next to him. He reached in and pulled out the red container that held his favorite item on the menu. Now that Thomas wasn’t here to watch him enjoy something, he figured it wouldn’t hurt to eat them. As he ate, Newt couldn’t help but realize that he was smiling just a little. For a moment, he’d forgot where he was, how he’d got here, and why he was here at all. Thomas made him forget the depression for even a short time and maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be better next time, I swear. Feedback is appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introductions are in order

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's that for fast?

For the next few days, Newt’s time was divided up between...well, himself. He hadn’t seen Dr. Paige since their first visit which seemed like an eternity ago. Thomas had kept his distance and hadn’t visited since he left Newt with a choice. The only person Newt saw on a consistent basis was his nurse who checked up on him every couple of hours each day. Loneliness crept in closer and closer as time dragged on. It upset him that the feeling of being alone came back so fast, but it was nothing he wasn’t used to. Finally, when Saturday came, Newt received a change of pace. 

———

September 9th, 2017

It was sunny that day when his nurse strolled in with a smile on her face. She was usually blank faced and somber, but today, she seemed to be...excited. Newt couldn’t figure out her expression to save himself. It was different, but it suited her.

“Good afternoon Newt,” she said as she approached his bed with a bandage wrap in her hand. “I have some news for you.”

“I’m assuming it’s good news considering the look on your face.” Although sincere, he still came off sounding snide. It was a problem he had, but hadn’t tried working on.

She set the bandage on a nearby table and started removing Newt’s old ones. She unwrapped the old wraps carefully, making sure she didn’t use too much force and injure him. Arm by arm, she unwrapped the white compression wrap and revealed the stitching underneath. By now, all bleeding had stopped, leaving only the injured skin instead. 

When she finished removing the bandages, she spoke. “I suppose it is good news depending on who hears it.” She paused before she revealed what she was thinking. “If you’d like, the doctor has allowed you to get out of bed. If you’re up for it, you can try walking around today. No one will force you, but at least you have the option to move around. We can start you off on crutches when you’re ready.”

Newt wasn’t sure how to feel about that. He’d been in bed for so long now, he didn’t remember what walking around felt like. It was nothing new being in bed for long periods of time. During some fits of depression, he’d stay in his room, leaving only to use the bathroom. This time, he decided maybe it’d be good for his health if he got up for once. “Sure. I think that’d be alright. I have been feeling better and my other limbs have been kind of uncomfortable and restless.”

“That’s good to hear Newt. I’m glad you would rather get up than stay in bed all day. Also, remember you have an appointment with Dr. Paige later today. You can have it in the lounge if you’d like, since you’re able to go there on your own now.” 

He shook his head in understanding. “Yeah sure. I guess that would be ok.” 

“Wonderful,” she responded. “If you just wait for a few moments I’ll be back with some crutches and you can start trying.”

He nodded and she left his room. At first thought, he felt good about being able to move, but deep down, he knew it was one step closer to his release and that thought still terrified him. Dr. Paige was certain he wouldn’t hurt himself again, but he was not. Inside, Newt was still conflicted. 

To her word, a few minutes later the nurse came back with a worn looking pair of metal crutches. “If you’d like to do this now I will help you get started, but if you want to wait that’s fine too. I can just leave them here.”

It was now or never, he thought. “I’m ready now, but I think I can get up on my own.”

She nodded and stood aside so Newt could do it himself. Carefully, he removed the sheets from his still body. The IV had been removed from his arm the day before so he was no longer attached to the bed like a chain on a prisoner. The railing on his right side had been lowered so he could put his legs over the edge and avoid injuring himself. The leg enclosed in the cast went over first. It felt heavy with the extra material and made Newt feel unbalanced and funny. When his left leg went over and he sat there on the edge of the bed. He stopped and let the sensation of movement spark back up in his muscles. He felt as if he were a battery that was being charged up again after remaining empty for quite a long time. 

“You can just walk around your room if you’d like,” the nurse said. “Since all you’re wearing is a hospital gown, you don’t have to go out in public.”

Newt looked in his lap and noticed his hospital attire for the first time. He’d never thought about it before if he was being honest. It was just something he was wearing. Now that the thought creeped in, his exposed back did feel a bit of a draft from somewhere else in the room. 

“Yeah I’ll stay in here for now,” he responded, almost forgetting she spoke.

Finally, he made his move to the floor. He held both crutches in his hands and positioned them under his armpits. He planted them on the floor, making sure they were secure and used them to stand up for the first time in a week. At first, his arms felt fuzzy being used to grip the crutches. His injured leg made him feel like he was tilting to the right and falling over, but he was able to maintain his balance. Surprisingly, nothing felt as painful as he previously thought it would. Maybe moving around the room wouldn’t be so bad after all, he thought. 

Balanced on his left foot, he quickly shifted his crutches forward and planted them on the ground. Using them to support his weight, he took a his first step forward. He kept his eyes on the tiled ground underneath him to stay focused, afraid if he looked up, his vision would get fuzzy and he’d fall to the floor. He repeated his motions, eventually turning it into a walk around his bed. It made him feel good inside being able to move around, on his own even. A quiet voice in his head said that he shouldn’t be here, but for now, he didn’t listen. 

“You’re doing great Newt,” he heard the nurse say from behind. Newt was now doing small circles around the bed, the chair, and even his nurse. After a week of zero movement, things seemed to be going alright so far. 

“If you’re ok in here,” she continued. “then I’m going to go check on a few more patients.”

He looked at her and nodded his head in approval. “I feel alright actually. Go ahead.” 

She smiled with the same soft look as before and collected herself before leaving Newt alone. A few more times Newt circled the wide part of the room before finally stopping in front of the window next to his bed. For the first time since being admitted, he was able to look out at the city. 

The view wasn’t much. It was mostly blocked by taller buildings that traveled up into the grey, cloudy sky. On the sidewalks, a few people moved at a quick pace, each one of them on a different mission. No one takes the time to just walk at a normal speed, Newt thought. Though after all, it was New York City. 

The shuffling of feet and a quiet conversation that seemed to increase in volume as time passed interrupted him from his people watching. 

Newt did a 180 on his crutches and turned around to face the entryway to his room. His eyes were still locked on the floor while moving in order to keep his balance, but instead of tile in the doorway, he saw a familiar pair of off white Vans.

“Hey Newt, nice ass,” Thomas said with a smirk followed by uproaring laughter.

A girl with black hair that replicated the color of Snow White’s hit him on the arm, hard enough to make him flinch he noticed. “Thomas! Don’t embarrass him you asshole.”

Newt was sure his face was redder than the blood in his veins. Sure, he was wearing underwear, but putting himself on display for Thomas and a stranger wasn’t exactly comfortable. 

“T-Thomas,” Newt said. He felt the need to say something else, but words failed him at the moment. He no longer needed to look at the ground for balance. Instead he felt the need to look at the ground to hide his embarrassment. 

“Hi,” he responded. “Nice to see you again. Though I didn’t expect to see so much of you.”

The girl hit him in the arm again, this time harder. 

“Ow,” Thomas said grabbing the targeted spot. “That one hurt. I swear you’re going to bruise me one of these times.”

She shrugged it off with a smirk. “Stop giving me reasons to hit you. She then turned to Newt, smirk replaced with a friendly smile. “I’m so sorry for his behavior. He doesn't really know when to keep his mouth shut, which should be always. I’m Teresa, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, nice to meet you,” he found himself saying. By now he was sure his cheeks had returned to normal and his embarrassment had gone down to a reasonable level. Instead, confusion rolled in like a cloud of fog in his mind. Who was she exactly and why was she here, he thought. Why did Thomas feel the need to bring someone to visit a stranger in the hospital?

“I’m so sorry,” she said. “About the accident.” 

Newt’s chest tightened with anxious energy. Had Thomas told her what happened? He was already embarrassed enough to be here even without the information about the ‘how’ spreading. 

“People can be such careless drivers nowadays,” she then added. 

The knot in his chest loosened considerably and he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He looked to Thomas for some sort of acknowledgment and noticed the boy smile and then wink one of his brown eyes. 

“Y-yeah,” Newt said. “It sucks.”

“Oh, you’ve come again,” Newt’s nurse said eyeing Thomas from the doorway. Turning her attention to Newt she continued. “Just a reminder Newt that you have your meeting later today and your visitors will have to be gone by then.”

“I know,” he responded. The nurse eyed Thomas one more time before receding into the hallway. 

“I don’t think she likes me very much. What meeting do you have?” Thomas asked being the nosy person he was. 

“It’s nothing,” Newt avoided. “So, what are you doing here Thomas? I thought the ball was in my court.”

“It was, but then I got bored and Teresa wanted to meet you so here we are.”

“Ooh brilliant,” he said. Sarcasm, of course. “I guess I should feel special?”

“Well, I don’t want to rain on your parade,” Teresa interjected. “But Thomas is just a big softie. He likes you, but he also likes everyone. Although he has seemed more fascinated in you than others.”

“I do not like everyone,” Thomas defended. 

She crossed her arms and gave him a look that said ‘really’. “Name one person you don’t like.”

“Well I’m starting not to like you.”

Her mouth dropped open and she smiled, winding up to hit him in the arm one more time. “Ass!”

Quickly, he put his hands up in defense. “Hit me one more time. I dare you. One more time and we’re legit fighting right here, right now.”

She laughed, taking his threat as an empty one. 

Newt felt like he was a background character in his own story. Thomas and Teresa intrigued Newt with their actions. Their chemistry was foreign to Newt considering he never had a friend that close. He studied them trying to figure out the dynamic between them. They were so nonchalant with each other that his first thought was they’d been friends for so long. Unless they were dating? Or could they be siblings? He couldn’t figure out their situation to save himself. 

“I don’t mean to be interrupting you two,” Newt said. “But do you mind if I sit back down? My arms are getting tired from standing here.”

“Oh yeah, sure. Sorry Newt,” Thomas said. “Hey, I almost forgot. I have to run out to the car, I brought you something. Teresa, keys.”

Out of her jacket, she pulled a set of car keys and tossed them to him. As quick as they were in his hand, he was running out the door. 

By now, Newt had sat back down on his bed, lifting his legs up and over so he was in the same position he’d been used to once more. 

The air suddenly thickened as Newt realized he was alone with Teresa. She was the friend of a stranger that was trying so hard to be his friend. Was Teresa trying to be his friend now too? 

“So, Newt,” she said breaking the silence. “Do you go to school around here? You couldn’t be more than 20.”

Newt’s heart sank at the question. Being reminded of his age only reminded him of his failure. He knew his complexion was probably paling, but Teresa had no idea as to why he would so he tried his best to come off normal. 

“I go to Parsons School of Design,” he said softly. “Sophomore year.”

Her eyes brightened and her lips curved upwards in a smile. “You got into there? I’m so jealous. I applied and didn’t get in. You must be amazing. What are you studying?”

“Graphic design,” he responded. 

“That’s what I do. Tom and I go to NYU. He’s a fancy engineer though. He always makes fun of me for choosing graphic design as my major, but I’m pretty sure he’s only joking.”

Newt felt himself cracking a small smile. “Sounds like him.”

She was silent for a moment, but thankfully Thomas came back in the room before it became uncomfortably awkward. He was holding an H&M bag that looked to be full. Whether the contents were really from H&M or not, he didn’t know. 

“Hey what are you guys talking about?” Thomas asked when he entered. Jesus that boy is nosy, Newt thought. 

“Well,” Teresa answered. “Newt was just telling me that he goes to school for graphic design.”

Thomas walked over to his chair and set the bag down on the floor. “No way. That’s what Teresa does. I’ve always thought graphic design was so cool!”

Newt looked at Teresa and noticed she was about to burst out laughing. Newt couldn’t help but smile knowing Thomas was full of shit. 

Not surprisingly, Thomas seemed to notice the look between the two. “What’s so funny? What did I say?”

“I appreciate your effort to try and spare my feelings Thomas,” Newt said. “But Teresa already told me you make fun of graphic design all the time.”

Thomas’ cheeks turned a mild shade of red. “W...T...F, Teresa. Why do you always make me look bad? No one would’ve been hurt if that was kept a secret. Plus I’m always only joking about that anyways.”

For a second, Newt felt comfortable, comfortable enough to make a joke that would make Thomas feel flustered. “It’s ok Thomas,” Newt said. “I already thought you looked bad.”

The light red blush on his cheeks darkened in color. “Wha...What did I do to everyone today? I guess you don’t want what I brought then, huh, Newt?”

“I’m only joking Thomas. Plus, I don’t know why you keep bringing me stuff I didn’t ask for.”

“Because I’m being nice. That’s what I do.” Thomas must’ve sensed Teresa getting ready to open her mouth. “Not a word Teresa.”

Newt looked at Teresa again. Her arms were crossed and she was trying not to laugh again. 

If Thomas was here alone, Newt would’ve told him that he didn’t need whatever he brought. He would’ve acted like he had when Thomas had visited before. However, since Teresa was here, he tried to seem friendlier, not wanting her to catch on to his depression. 

“So, Thomas, what did you bring?” He finally asked. 

“I brought you real clothes. It was obviously a good idea judging by the peep show you gave us earlier. I thought you would be more comfortable. I guesstimated your size to be the same as mine.”

He pulled a blue, long sleeve hooded T-shirt and a pair of light grey sweatpants. He set them on Newt’s bed and waited for a response. 

“Thanks,” he said. If he was being truthful, they did look ten times more comfortable than what he’d been wearing. “Let me pay you back for them. I don’t want to owe you anything.”

Thomas shook his head no and smiled. “I work at H&M so this stuff was mega cheap. Don’t worry about it.”

Newt appreciated the offer and decided that maybe now wasn’t the best time to argue about it. If it came back up later he might consider it. “Well...thanks I guess. Can you guys slip out for a second then so I can change?”

“Yeah of course,” Teresa answered. “Come on Tom.”

Thomas stood up, but seemed hesitant to go just yet. “I don’t mean to be awkward or anything, but do you need any help? Cause, like...I could help you if you needed it and I promise I wouldn’t make it weird.”

Newt ignored the part about it being weird and said simply, “I’ll manage” before Thomas and Teresa left the room. 

Newt made quick work slipping out of his hospital gown and setting it down on the bed next to him. He could feel the A/C from the ceiling vents wash over his body, chilling his bare skin. The long sleeve was easy to pull over his head as there was no obstruction. He could feel his mess of blonde hair get even messier as his head popped through the neck hole. He ran a few fingers through it just to keep it tame. 

Now he had the struggle of putting pants. He grabbed the sweatpants and slid the fabric up his left leg, the easy one. He then took his right leg and lifted it with one hand into the leg opening on the right side. Slowly, he pulled the pant up until it was covering his entire right leg too. 

Once he pulled them up as far as he could while sitting, he put his left foot on the ground to support his body weight and pulled them up the rest of the way. Not bad, he thought. 

Now dressed, he realized he could take a walk outside of his room without exposing his backside to every doctor, nurse, and patient in the hospital. 

He grabbed his crutches and made his way to the door. He opened it and was greeted with a very surprised looking Thomas. 

“Wow,” he said. “Looks great on you. It suits you. I did good, didn’t I Teresa?”

“Yes Thomas, he looks great.”

Newt could feel himself blush at the compliments. He hadn’t been complimented in who knew how long. It made him feel warm and good inside, but deeper down, he questioned why they would want to compliment someone like him. 

“—wt? Newt?” Thomas said, shaking him out of a daze. “I asked if you wanted to take a walk with me real quick.”

“Yeah sure,” he answered. “Sorry, I just zoned out for a second there.”

“I’ll be in the car. Don’t be too long Tom. It was nice meeting you, Newt. I hope your recovery goes by really fast. Bye.”

With that, she turned on her heels and walked away from the two boys. Thomas put his arm out and motioned for Newt to walk down the hall. 

He moved slowly, still getting used to the feeling. It seemed like they were walking for minutes with no speaking between them. Newt just focused on crutching along and if Thomas wanted to talk, Newt was going to stay quiet so he could. They walked in an awkward silence until Thomas broke the silence with a question.

“Hey, so I know I left with the ball in your court, but I couldn’t help but come back and see you again. I felt like I needed to see you get a little better. And hey, look at you, you’re walking!”

“It’s alright. To be honest, I didn’t really mind the company. Teresa seems nice. I just don’t want to get too familiar with both of you because I haven’t made up my mind yet. I know you’re not going to like it, but I think I’m leaning toward keeping to myself after I get out of the hospital. That’s just always how it’s been for me.”

“Oh,” he said weakly. “You seemed so happy earlier though. You were smiling and laughing and...even making fun of me for a minute there. I thought you were having a good time. Just because that’s how it’s been, doesn’t mean that’s how it should be.”

He considered what Thomas was saying. Yes, he thought their company was...pleasant, but he had too many things to work out internally right now. Having to keep it together for others would be a challenge. 

“I think it’d be easier for everyone if I just worked out my problems on my own,” Newt said. “I don’t want to drag you down.”

Thomas tilted his head and shot him a look that said ‘really’. “Come on Newt you already used that one on me. Just put me on a trial run. A couple months and if by the end you would feel more comfortable on your own, I’ll let you go.”

Newt rolled his eyes with a fleeting smile. The fact that Thomas was trying so hard made him want to say yes. Parts of him thought a support system could benefit, but the self destructive side was trying to convince him otherwise. It was always a conflict. 

“Ok,” Newt said. “I will try, but don’t expect me to invite you over everyday for TV watching and dinner.”

Thomas was grinning bigger than Newt had seen since they’d met. “I promise I won’t disappoint you. I know you didn’t think you really had a purpose, but I’m going to show you that you do.”

“Well,” he said searching his mind for a response. “I guess I appreciate the effort anyway.”

For a minute, they walked in a now comfortable silence. Newt could feel Thomas’ amber eyes drift over in his direction. The looks were quick and fleeting like Thomas was worried he’d be caught if he lingered too long. Newt felt scrutinized under Thomas’ gaze. 

A minute later, they’d stopped in front of the lounge. Dr. Paige was supposed to be here soon enough. He figured it wouldn’t hurt to wait for a bit. 

“I think I’m going to stay here, Thomas. My, uh...therapist is meeting me here soon.”

Thomas nodded. “Ok. I guess maybe I’ll see you soon then?”

Newt shrugged. “Seems to be that way.”

Thomas let out a fake laugh and clutched his chest. “You pain me.”

Newt almost cracked a smile. 

“Hey,” Newt said. “I guess I should thank you for not telling Teresa what actually happened to me. I’m already humiliated enough without adding more people to the ‘in the know’ list.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he answered. “It’s really not my place to tell.” He paused for a moment. “I’ll see you later then? You still have my number.”

“Uh, yeah...guess so.” Newt stood there on his crutches not knowing what to do next. Handshake? Fist bump? Certainly Thomas didn’t expect a hug. Starting to panic, he said a quick ‘bye’ and crutched his way through the doorway. A faint bye back was the last thing he heard from Thomas because when he looked back, the boy was already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed. Don't forget to leave comments, drop kudos, and subscribe over.


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